Anyone but the Atlanta Braves
by Tom Adkins
Did you see the World Series? Those Yankees were incredible! They have become my favorite team. Not just because they battled to victory. Not just because they overcame great odds. No…the New York Yankees are my favorite team because they crushed the Atlanta Braves.
Don't get me wrong. I actually like the Atlanta players. They are talented. They play hard. They seem to be good guys. And I like the city of Atlanta. It's a nice place, with nice people. No…I hate the Atlanta Braves because of two people; Ted Turner and Jane Fonda. I don't mean dislike. I mean HATE.
That's right. H-A-T-E. I HATE them.
I hate Ted Turner's moustache. I hate his socks. I hate his shoes. I hate everything about him. It's not just because he's arrogant, Hell, our entire staff is arrogant. No…I hate Ted Turner because he's arrogant enough to believe he is right when he is stupidly wrong, and he is actively trying to make America bend to his socialist vision of the world. I hate him because he is willing to attack the system that made him rich. I hate him because he is currently illegally shutting out Fox network, the only unbiased news source in America. But above all, I especially hate him because he's committed the ultimate faux pas for a guy; he abandoned his once-solid principles for a hot piece of ass.
There. I said it.
And I've seen it before, folks. I understand it well. I spent 10 years on the road as a musician, and I know what a hot babe can do to a man. I saw many a fellow bandmate leave a great band because "there's something special about this girl" (translation-she can pull a golf ball through a garden hose…with one breath). So he quits the band, moves in with her, gets a job in a 7-11, buys a 1963 Dodge Dart for $275 and lives in a trailer park the rest of his life. Every night, I'm sure she tells him he was the best bass player she ever met.
Men lose their heads that way.
Ted Turner, of course made his fortune while his heads were still attached. Wife Jane Fonda is reputed to be wild in the sack, supposedly to the point of rendering a previous lover impotent upon their first encounter. As soon as Ted romped with Barbarella, his brain melted. Suddenly, Ted converted to a committed socialist. He forgot all about the pure capitalism that created his media empire. (And the rest of America, for that matter). He has abandoned the conservative cause for a hot roll in the hay. This tells me that outside of the media business, Ted Turner is no smarter than the average bass player in a bar band. With apologies to bass players around the world.
Fonda, of course not only makes a public idiot out of herself on almost every political issue she embraces, she is directly responsible for the torture and deaths of American POW's while visiting North Vietnam a few decades ago. If she died in a twisting painful train wreck, there would be few tears shed in this nation. Ted, of course, merely deserves a proverbial 2x4 across his thick skull to wake him up. Or maybe a whack on the willy…
But let's get back to the Yankees. I dig them because they had guts. They didn't give up when they were down. And they really played like a team. Especially against their arch enemy - the media. Two days earlier, baseball presented an evening honoring the best players in history. Jim Grey, the Geraldo Rivera of sports journalism ruined this great baseball moment by endlessly flogging Pete Rose on national television.
The Yankees team took it upon themselves to avenge this insurrection. After Chad Curtis smacked his game-three-ending homer, Grey cornered him for a live interview. In front of 50 million Americans, Curtis told Gray to take a flying leap, in honor of Pete Rose. Before the game, the Yankees team had decided to blow off Grey if he tried to interview anyone. And you haven't seen him since. Stick a fork in Jim Grey. His career is over.
Here's the box score:
Yankees: 1
Smart-assed reporters: 0
Republicans should pay attention to THAT. This is how to handle biased reporters who pimp themselves out and cross the line.
So there you have it. My new favorite team is the New York Yankees. I love 'em because they play hard. I love 'em because they won. But most of all, I love 'em because they whupped Ted Turner and Jane Fonda. They are foolish people with a lot of money…a dangerous combination. Such people should be battled wherever possible. So tonight, I love the Yankees because they gave us a little victory. They proved to the world that no matter how much money you spend, you can't buy Utopia.
