16 Jan 98: Criminal charges have been leveled at Arkansas based Tyson Foods executives for bribery of former Clinton Administration Ag Secretary, Mike Espy. Archibald L. Schaffer III and Jack L. Williams are accused of giving Mr. Espy $12,000.00, which only goes to show how cheap it is to buy a Clinton Administration Official.
Iraq has been charged by UN officials of possibly testing chemical weapons on humans. Iraqi officials deny the charges stating, "It wasn't a test."
President Clinton was grandstanding again yesterday on the issue of smoking. He called for Congress to pass legislation to "protect our children's health." Rep. Thomas Bliley of Virginia pointed out that it is easy enough to call for action. A concrete proposal would have been more productive.
15 Jan 98: Prosecutors questioned Hillary Clinton yesterday at the White House. The session was said to have lasted for only ten minutes. Of course the questioning could not last long when the only response from the first lady must have been, "I do not recall."
R. J. Reynolds secret documents reveal that Joe Camel ads were aimed at luring young smokers. They figured that the federal government had so far eroded parental control over their children that young people would sooner listen to a talking camel than their mother or father.
Democrats in Congress and the White House are again using uncivil discourse to disparage Republicans for disagreeing with them over the Health Care Issue. "It's outrageous for some in the Republican leadership to be actively working with special interest to stop managed-care reform…" said Dick Gephardt. "They are the ones who have been denying health care to early retirees and cutting back the benefits," said Rep. Pete Stark, who wants to weigh down the sinking Medicare system with even more beneficiaries who will all suffer when the system goes bankrupt.
14 Jan 98: A woman who had been touring the White House sprayed brown spray paint on several fixtures in the Blue Room, including a bust of Christopher Columbus and Amerigo Vespucci. No motive, as yet, for this act of vandalism has been determined. However, it has been confirmed that she was not acting on a home decorating tip from Martha Stewart.
Scientists have lengthened the natural life of human cells, opening the possibility for a means to controlling the aging process. In a related story, Senator Strom Thurman of South Carolina, America's oldest and most respected Senator, is rumored to eat Wheaties for breakfast every morning.
13 Jan 98: Norman Mayo, self-proclaimed milk-a-holic, was disappointed yesterday when a federal judge threw out his suit against the milk industry. He contends that he got hooked on milk in childhood and has heart problems now as a result. "If tobacco products can be required to have warning labels why not dairy products?" Mayo asked. "I think milk is just as dangerous as tobacco." He wants to see an end to milk advertising and to levy punitive damages against the milk industry.
Arkansas food conglomerate Tyson Foods was hit with $4 million in fines for bribes given to former Clinton Administration Ag Secretary Mike Espy. Mike Espy is merely one more official charged with wrong doing in a White House that touted itself as being the most ethically pure - ever.
Japan apologized to Britain for atrocities committed to British prisoners of war during World War II. Canada apologized to its Inuit population for trying to educate tribe members. Joe Xerxes of Hackenbeck, Kentucky apologized to Greece for the Persian invasion in 480 BC, saying, "The Greeks put up a good show at Thermoplae and might have whipped us in the end, but we did inflict a lot of damage on the countryside in that unprovoked conflict."
12 Jan 98: Six cannabis clubs situated in northern California vowed to continue distribution of marijuana to over 6300 clients. The Justice Department filed a suit Friday that alleges that the clients HAVE been inhaling.
According to William Safire, columnist for the New York Times, President Clinton's intercession on behalf of Indian casinos to stifle competition, possibly in exchange for contributions to his campaign, likely constitutes bribery and definitely warrants the assignment of an independent prosecutor.
At Seiko Epson engineers have obtained a patent for a hand-cranked personal computer. When the battery starts to die, a message tells the user to "crank the mainspring." Next thing you know, they will invent a watch that doesn't need batteries, you just wind it every day.
