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30 Jan 98: A judge in Arkansas has decided to disallow any questioning of President Clinton regarding Monica Lewinsky by Paula Jones' lawyers. Ms. Jones' lawyers are trying to establish a pattern of harassment by the President. Feminist leaders are excusing the President's alleged behavior stating, "I wish he would harass me, he has a such cute tush!"
Republican leaders had refrained from commentary on the President's troubles until yesterday when Newt Gingrich made a speech before the Conservative Political Action Caucus saying that the White House was unstable and that the people were primed to look to "somebody cares about the nation first, who is patriotic first, who is solution oriented first." The President was not quoted later saying, "I feel your pain America, I love you and am going to do something about it!"
Researchers have found the first human gene associated with hair loss. Style experts agree that the Yule Brenner/Picard look may go the way of poodle skirts and white T-shirts within the next five years, but most men when told of possible new treatments associated with the discovery responded by yawning, scratching their stomachs and asking, "When's lunch?"
29 Jan 98: Champaign, Illinois loves Bill Clinton. In a speech there in front of an enthusiastic if rigged crowd, the President was cheered heartily, while across the river, a huge sign dug out in the snow announced, "IMPEACH". Mr. Clinton's job approval rating stood at 68 percent reflecting a bump resulting from his state of the union address. "It just goes to prove," a top administration official may have been overheard musing, "Lincoln was wrong - you can fool the people all the…whoops, you didn't hear me say that."
Ms. Rodham-Clinton now serving as the President's attack dog has accused right wing republicans of a conspiracy against the President. She named such conservative stalwarts as Jesse Helms and Jerry Fallwell. WJ Rayment, editor of the Conservative Monitor, admitted that he too is part of the conspiracy, "My job was to make sure the President couldn't resist Monica. We did an analysis of his taste in women and found that Monica was just right. I passed on my judgment through my decoder ring to unknown sources within the conspiracy cabal."
CIA Director George Tenet testified before the Senate Intelligence Committee yesterday, stating, "The executive branch leaks like a sieve." He was referring to secret and top secret information that is routinely leaked to the press through the executive branch. This activity puts agents all over the world at risk because an analysis of the information by our enemies could reveal CIA sources. Mr. Tenet further lamented the cavalier attitude within the administration, saying, "They make it impossible for us to protect Americans."
28 Jan 98: President Clinton was greeted by standing ovations during his state of the union address last night. In a speech that ran over an hour he gave a laundry list of new programs he urged Congress to pass for the American people, including a new child care proposal, spending on health care research and more money for education. Unnamed sources in the electorate have commented, "The President tried to buy Monica Lewinsky's silence with a Pentagon job and then a job at Revlon. Now, with all these proposals, he is trying to buy the American people with their own money."
A company in Toledo Ohio, Health Care and Retirement Corp. is endorsing hugs as a way to boost the morale of its employees and the residents of its string of nursing homes. So far no complaints have been filed by the company. However, many who have heard of the policy have had bouts of nausea.
27 Jan 98: Mrs. Clinton this morning blamed conservatives for attacking her husband with unwarranted and lurid charges. She said that it was her husband's loving nature that brought him to give presents to Ms. Lewinsky. The first lady did not mention that forensic evidence just may reveal all too clearly how much the president did, indeed, give to Ms. Lewinsky.
The Navy has been accused of violating the so called "don't ask, don't tell" policy on gays in the military. Timothy McVeigh posted a profile page on America Online where he described himself as gay and expressed an interest in young men. His post did not include his last name. However, AOL provided the name to investigators. The judge ruled that the Navy went too far in pursuing McVeigh, while McVeigh was given the go ahead in his pursuit of young men.
The US government is weighing the possibility of sending direct aid to Cuba. Official US policy is to embargo the country to create economic pressures on the repressive, Marxist Castro regime. The direct aid would comprise primarily of food and medicine. "The embargo policy is effective, proving socialism doesn't even provide the resources to feed the people. Now our worst enemies have the surplus to send us food," an unidentified official in the Cuban Government was not quoted as saying, but is surely thinking.
26 Jan 98: Monica Lewinsky's Lawyer said over the weekend that the former White House intern would "tell all that she knows" to Whitewater prosecutors. The White House is countering with its best spin doctors stating in effect, "Ms. Lewinsky was a floozy and has a big mouth."
Congratulations to the Denver Broncos for their victory in the Super Bowl. The Conservative Monitor salutes you.
In a new movie, "Wag the Dog", the president of the United States attempts to divert attention from a sex scandal by creating a phony war. Iraqis are saying the recent tensions rising between the US and their country bear undeniable similarities to the popular movie. Even the man on the street believes it has nothing to do with Saddam and everything to do with President Clinton's overactive libido coupled with his tendency to obfuscate.
Pope John Paul leaves Cuba today. In a speech he warned Cuban's about the dangers of embracing neoliberal capitalism. At least he got the "liberal" part right.
